Photo by Lucas Ludwig on Unsplash

Picture this: You’re wading into what you thought would be a Drew-Barrymore-as-Cinderella-serenely-relaxing-in-a-pond type of discussion, when suddenly you find yourself instead in a Kate-Winslet-as-Rose-trying-to-whistle-with-frozen-lips-about-to-die type or argument instead. Currents of contention threaten to water log you or drown you altogether, and you’re not really sure how you got here from the safety of the shoreline. Water — and people — can be turbulent that way.

As a litigation attorney, I find myself in the midst of Titanic-sized misunderstandings and disagreements all the time, and it’s often my job to resolve them.

So what can we do to navigate the waters? A million things, I’m sure, but here are three areas I find extremely helpful to work on:
(1) focus on the ‘why’, (2) listen (really), and (3) change your tone.

Digging Deeper: the ‘Why’ Factor

When we disagree with someone, it’s often because we’re focusing on their positions rather than their reasons (or on our positions rather than our reasons).

Take the very heated issue of gun control, for instance: Individuals who want more restrictions on guns, and individuals who don’t, usually have common reasons when you really get down to it. Some are afraid for their safety or the safety of their loved ones from single, rogue shooters in public. Some are…