Weeping as a Weapon (and why I fucking hate the entire narcissism spectrum)
I don’t know why I continue to be surprised when humans are ridiculously human. Recently, I was stupidly surprised to find, yet again, that those in positions of power still fall for the performative antics of diagnosably-unstable people (often women, more on that later) who wield words and weeping as weapons.
I have regrettably become somewhat disenchanted with the US justice system over the years, and this is one area that really tries my patience (and sanity). As an attorney, I have had numerous opportunities to see firsthand the obvious (to me) tools used by narcissists, histrionics, and untreated borderlines to get what they want in the court system. And I have watched, metaphorically mouth agape, as judges don’t get it or, worse, wholly fall for it, leaving the real victims misunderstood and with major life consequences that they never deserved.
Don’t get me wrong — I fully believe in the right of free speech, and I am not saying that gaslighting, false-graciousness, feigned confusion, and posturing should be crimes within the justice system. What I am saying is that people in positions of power, aka police officers, prosecutors, judges , etc.— whose job is to weigh the credibility of the witnesses that come before them — should educate themselves about these tactics so they can stop getting duped by their biases, especially about women.
As far as I am aware, there are still only about five major traits that, when controlling for other factors, are divided (to a statically-significant degree) along male/female lines over time and in different cultures. One of these is that men are more physically aggressive than women (a newsflash that will surprise precisely no one), and a couple others are that women are better with language than men and more verbally aggressive than men (a la “if you don’t share your fruit snacks with me then you can’t be in my friend group”).
When these traits are wielded by those on any part of the narcissism spectrum, and when they show up in the environment where people already believe women are the victims in most asymmetrical relationships (because, for physical aggression, they are) and that crying is always sincere, we get ourselves a perfect environment for (mostly) female manipulation. And it makes me want to…use my words.
I have seen too many false accusations against (usually) men where either law enforcement, the prosecution, or, ultimately, the judges just don’t see what is truly happening. To be clear, there are plenty of situations where accusations are made against men that are true and where the victim may use surprising responses. I am a firm supporter of believing the victim in those situations. But I’m not talking about those situations right now. I’m talking about the ones where the very worst thing the person can even think to trump up is that “one time his shoulder bumped my shoulder on purpose” or “he turned the lights off while I was home,” or “I agreed to sleep on the couch and now I’m mad about it…”
I’m only partly being facetious here. Seriously.
In those kinds of situations, what I see is (usually) men doing all they can to just stay calm while enduring the never-ending storm of confusing verbal tactics, false accusations, crocodile tears, etc. whilst they lose time with their kids, lose access to their homes, spend nights in jail, spend hours of mental anguish and energy, and spend money they’ll never get back. And even then, oftentimes, it’s not enough. Because the justice system believes the antics of the accuser.
So here are my words that I hope will help someone, anyone, in a position of power stop being duped:
Graciousness can be an insincere attempt to gain high regard.
Confusion can be a mask for patronization.
High emotion can be an attempt to persuade one of a falsehood.
Apologies can be veiled manipulation.
Memories can be molded to fit a narrative.
Questions can be posed for posturing rather than answers.
Accusations can be made for influence.
Weeping can be a weapon.
As for me: I see your games and I’m not playing them. I’m here for truth; not theatre.
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