Your “True Self” Doesn’t Exist
Not in the way we normally think of it.
I hear a lot of self-help folks push the idea of discovering one’s “true self” and actualizing it. I think this idea speaks to a lot of us on a very deep level, and there are parts of it that I wholeheartedly agree with, most notably — if you’re stuck with cognitive dissonance, that’s a very good time to examine why what you’re doing is not aligning with what you believe.
But why does this idea of our “true self” speak to us and what does it really mean?
For many, it seems to be a belief that they have a kernel inside — a seed of some unknown but predetermined blossom that needs only to receive water, soil, and sunlight (or maybe for you it’s a platform and a mic, or a dance studio and music, or to just get out of your current situation) and then it will turn into whatever it was “meant” to be.
And yes, we all have DNA and a genome and things that will make us more or less interested or happy, but I don’t believe that finding our “true self” is quite the way we imagine it.
Think of an object. Literally any object.
Now, why did you choose that object? Before it came into your mind, did you do anything to make it appear there? And did an object appear in your mind that you didn’t already know existed?
No, unless you’re a new alien species, you did not actively control the object’s appearance as an option to be “your object” that you chose, and it was an object you already knew existed.
You see, we cannot come up with truly original thoughts both by choice and internally. They are always a product of the subconscious workings of our own minds + our external lives.
Hold that thought and humor me with one more:
Why is a company willing to pay $500M for a 30-second ad spot during the Superbowl? I can tell you it’s not because they don’t think they’ll sell more than $500M in Doritos (or whatever else they’re selling). It’s because humans are, for better or worse, persuadable by their external environment.
So, now here are two realities: your thoughts work before you really recognize or control them AND they are highly influenced by the world around you, especially advertising and the like (and PSA: those who think they aren’t affected by advertising are statistically the most affected by it).
So when we say our “true self” we seem to believe we’re talking about nurturing something pristine that is absolutely and wholly “ours” and that was never affected by our surroundings, when in reality, it is much more likely that we’re talking about nurturing one of a relatively small number of options based on what we have been exposed to in our lives.
We’re not choosing from all the world. We’re choosing from a finite menu.
And there’s often nothing wrong with that. Again, I wholeheartedly support humans examining things like cognitive dissonance and making sure they’re acting with integrity to what they believe.
But…
(There was always going to be a but…)
If you believe that your “true self” is something more magical and mystical than what it is, a truly unique power within that is more important than all the choices and commitments you have made to date, than it could be that your “true self” has simply become your own personal religion. Religion can bring a lot of peace and joy to people. It can also lead people to murder without any sense of guilt.
So what does actualizing your “true self” mean for you? Is it putting down your phone and getting outside? Is it leaving a job and following a passion?
Is it leaving a family and following a desire?
Is the actualization of your “true self” leaving abuse that you never deserved and that no one deserves, standing up for your own value as a human?
Is the actualization of your “true self” simply giving license to your personal cravings whilst leaving collateral damage?
Whatever it is, we would do well to remember that it is not a magic bean that will grow a beanstalk to a novel world; it is just beans or rice (or something else) on a menu that is finite and predetermined by what our minds have seen and heard in the world. It’s worth making a choice that will bring you greater fulfillment, but it’s not a god whose beckoning is more important than literally everything else.
Run free. Not wild.
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